


mine own true love that doth my rest defeat

by iwritetrash



Series: shakespearean sonnets [6]
Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Edward Drummond Lives, Extramarital Affairs, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Poet Alfred, References to Shakespeare, and a lot of it at that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 02:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14559285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: o no; thy love, though much, is not so great.it is my love that keeps mine eye awake,mine own true love that doth my rest defeat,to play the watchman ever for thy sake.~ sonnet lxi, william shakespeare





	mine own true love that doth my rest defeat

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this sonnet series is a thing now i guess... this one is based on sonnet lxi, hence the title and the summary, and basically it's a whole lot of jealous pining bc idk i was just in that kind of mood today i guess... but! you will all be happy to know that this one is set in a 'verse where edward does not die (he does marry florence tho...)
> 
> okay, i'm done rambling now! on with the fic!

Alfred doesn’t mean to stare, and yet the romantic in him longs to trace each and every line of his lover’s face with his eyes, until he has committed it to memory. The poet in him itches for a pen, so that he could capture Edward’s grace in ink on paper, forever immortalised. But there will be time for poetry later. For now, he must make the most of these fleeting moments between the sheets.

All too soon, Edward rises to leave, despite Alfred’s protests, as the sun begins to sink below the horizon. His wife will be expecting him back soon, and he mustn’t arouse her suspicion if their meetings are to continue. Edward could send word, of course, to inform her of some last minute meeting, but it seems that, tonight at least, he is not interested in delaying the inevitable.

So he picks up his clothes from Alfred’s floor, and shakes them to ensure they do not look too obviously crumpled. Before he leaves, he presses a kiss to Alfred’s head and promises they will meet again soon. Perhaps they will go riding together later in the week, he suggests. Alfred feels as though he is some petulant child being offered small morsels of affection to placate him, rather than Edward’s lover.

Still, he cannot bring himself to resent Edward for it. Neither of them can help the way life toys with them, certainly not men like them.

Edward remains in Alfred’s thoughts, long after his side of the bed has gone cold and the sun has set. Alfred remains in bed, clinging to the small remnants of Edward’s smell, which have clung to the sheets, in an attempt to numb the sharp twinge of absence, sitting high in his chest where is heart ought to be.

He wonders, on nights like these, if Edward knows the effect he has on Alfred, the pining he begets by leaving his lover so lonely. Now that Alfred has had Edward in his bed, it feels far too large without him, as though there is some gaping emptiness spanning one side of the bed, where Edward ought to be. This infatuation he has caused in Alfred is truly rather alarming, for Alfred himself cannot quite estimate the scale of it, but that Edward occupies his every waking thought, and finds his way into Alfred’s dreams more often than not.

As the night darkens, and the stars appear, Alfred wonders if Edward finds himself in a similar state of addiction. He stares at the stars and wonders if Edward is doing the same on the other side of the city, with his loving wife asleep at his side. Such fits of jealousy are all too common for Alfred, for who would not be jealous to know their lover shares their bed with someone else? 

It is that which keeps Alfred awake, makes him toss and turn even into the small hours of the morning, and leaves him exhausted with no honest explanation he can reasonably give.

Each night is the same, his restless jealousy denying him sleep over and over again until he wonders if perhaps this affair is driving him to the brink of insanity. Is this some game Edward wishes to play, toying with Alfred’s heart until it seems on the verge of breaking every time Edward leaves his bed? For surely Edward does not experience Alfred’s affliction. What has he to be jealous of, after all?

Edward may have his way with Alfred, and partake of their tender love affair, and then he may return home to his wife, and he may pretend to all the world never to have loved Alfred at all, and no one shall think anything of it. Meanwhile, Alfred must waste away in bed awaiting Edward’s return, putting pen to paper and writing poetry to colour his despair.

Perhaps he is being melodramatic, but truly it does feel like that far too often for Alfred’s liking. Poets far greater than he have expressed similar such sentiments in sonnets which he cannot hope to match.

It is not that Alfred is ungrateful for the small allowances fate has made him in gifting him Edward, it is simply that he wishes there was more time to spend with him, or that their affair was not so tainted with controversy that they could not speak of it for fear of condemnation. But, of course, a small fragment of Edward’s time, and of his heart, is better than none at all. He would go to the ends of the earth to keep that small glimmer of light ever being taken from him.

_Fortune must be miserable after all_ , Alfred muses late one night, with the bed beside him empty once again, _to damn him to this lonely state_.  

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know if you liked this, and if you've got a sonnet in mind that you'd like to see in this series then by all means leave it in the comments (although i know not everyone is a shakespeare nerd like me)
> 
> also just an off-topic sidenote for anyone who was reading 'be all my sins remember': i have written the last three parts but i kind of fell out of love with that series and i'm going to be honest and say that i hate the direction i took it in a little, to the point where i kind of want to take down everything except the original. so... there's a solid chance i won't post them, but if anyone desperately wants to read my rough drafts for the rest of the series then leave a comment or message me on tumblr (@because-seconds-not-the-same) and i'll link you to a google doc or something. thanks for everyone who read and supported it though!!!
> 
> thank you so so so much for reading, as always <3


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